Lately I've been thinking a lot about how the world is. How huge and dynamic it is. How old and mysterious it is. But also, how unfair it is. People are starving, hurting, struggling and while I wish so much that I could help even a tiny bit (not just financially), I mostly find myself feeling guilty that I am just another "clueless" American who buys things I don't need, has a choice of food and clean water, and way too many "riches" in the form of material items and just basic needs that no human being should be deprived of. I won't go into politics or anything because that's not what my blog is about and honestly, politics confuse me almost as much as math, but I just wanted to express how I feel. I feel helpless. I feel so small in this world. I feel like I shouldn't be living a happy, comfortable life while there are so many people who aren't. Of course I should note that I am super incredibly thankful for the life I do live but that doesn't stop me from feeling a tinge of guilt. Am I wrong in feeling this way?
All these social issues- the world will never be perfect, that's for sure. But is it getting worse? I see all these happy blogs and instagram accounts encouraging people to do the things that make us happy, be kind to others, live for today, etc... but how often do the people behind these accounts also secretly worry about bigger issues? chemicals in the environment? homeless people and pets in our own country let alone other countries? evil politicians who really don't care about their country?
I must admit. After months of going back and forth, I decided to purchase an iPhone 6. Now, I'm definitely not one of those people who goes out to buy the latest gadget the minute it's released but I saw an opportunity to own one and I decided to "treat" myself. Now, I'm slowly being flooded with feelings of "did I even deserve this?", "does this make me a bad person?", "should I have refrained from purchasing simply because the iPhone isn't made in the USA?", "am I turning into just another American consumer who falls for every shiny new gadget? "was I being foolish with my money since I use the iPhone for everything BUT the phone?", "Am I being greedy?"
Perhaps I'm being a bit hard on myself. But perhaps I'm not.
I don't know the answers. I wish I could make everything right. I'm doing the best I can. I hope we all are. Someday we'll figure it all out. We'll understand. But for now. This is how I feel.